Time to Say Goodbye. Part II of V

I seem to be a skeptic by nature. I question anything and everything. I’m a thinker guided by reason and logic. If something I here that seem irrational or unrealistic, I don’t believe it. And at a very young age I began to question what I had been taught. Nothing was believable for me by the age of 12. I began to have questions about God and the universe but I was afraid to ask. If I asked a question I knew how they would respond. They would say, “How dare you question God?” But in reality what they meant was, “How dare you question me?”

The more I questioned the more I doubted. And as I doubted my faith disappeared. The concept of a divine being governing the universe was illogical and the belief that everything came from nothing through the process of evolution was irrational. The only reality to me was what I saw, felt, smelled, and thought. I quickly became an atheist at age 12.

I continued attending church with my family but no one knew what was going on in my mind. I pretended to be a Christian. It was very easy and I was great at it. Slowly I began to rebel. I began to give in to my lustful pleasures by watching things I should not have.

At this age I began to be interested in music, especially rock n’ roll. Rock n’ roll was a huge “No, no!” in the church I attended, but I didn't care. I ended up, and still am, being a huge heavy metal fan. My love of music brought me to learn an instrument, the guitar. I learned in the church and at age 13 I became part of the worship team. It was interesting in playing songs to someone I did not believe.

But the thing was that I began to doubt my doubts. Something happened when I began High School. I was a freshman, 14 years old. One night at home my mother told me to take out the trash. As I headed back into the house I looked up to the night sky. The moon was full and a cool breeze swayed the trees, I marveled at the stars and the moon’s lights. Within seconds I reasoned:  How can these living things just be? How can all this come from nothing? If life does end, there must also be a beginning. Nothing makes sense unless there is a Creator.

I became a deist.

I began to be interested of who this great divine being was. I would listen to my pastor’s sermons (though dispensational) and I began to read the bible and I learned. I began to research other religions but there was a truth I remembered as a child. Though in the church I attended did not share the clarity of the gospel I remembered the words of my parents, “Jesus died for your sins.” This truth led me to cry for forgiveness. I believed and at age 16 I was baptized.

Still in a Pentecostal church I began to seek the experiences I had as a child. I began to be a feeler than a thinker. I still had questions but instead of seeking answers I sought the euphoric tranquil feeling of the Spirit. I became a Charismatic.